The How-Not-To Guides
by ReaperTMWrites
Summary: The How-Not-To Guides are similar to How-To Guides, except they tell you how NOT to do stuff.
1. Chapter 1

**How to Prepare for War: A How-Not-To Guide**

1\. Hide the children.

Ink and Error survey the village. Error shakes his head. "How many children do you _have_ , Ink?"

"Um..."

"Don't answer that. I don't want to know."

2\. Put up barriers to protect the children.

Error attempts to put up a wood stake and fails, falling on his face. Halfway across the town, Ink is doing the same thing.

Error sighs. "HOW HARD IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE?"

Ink shrugs. "DUNNO. NOT THIS HARD."

3\. Gather the people.

Ink had proclaimed they needed to gather the people. Naturally, he'd be in charge of the 'good guys' while Error would gather up the 'bad guys' and their assorted children.

Then they had a fight about who would gather up the 'neutral guys' and the kids that nobody cared about (Palette, Gradient, Moku, Nix...).

Eventually this got put on Error too.

It was hard to convince Dream and Cross to stp making out long enough to go the the circle of grass in the middle of town they called a meeting circle, harder to convince Nightmare and Radier to get out of the castle and help, and even harder to convince Gradient, Nix and Moku that he wasn't going to hurt them.

It wasn't quite as hard to convince his brother, Geno, to get his butt over to the meeting ground and bring Palette (his 'adopted son' who was dating his actual son) and Goth (his actual son), but it was hard to convince him to pick up Fresh on the way because NO WAY IN HELL WAS ERROR GOING NEAR HIM.

4\. Hoard food and water and assign spots.

This meant picking all the food and putting it in a cellar. Geno and Nightmare took the most out of anyone, and Error managed to get himself a spot in Nightmare's castle, which basically meant he could shoot people and not get killed.

Ink, on the other hand, preferred being in the thick of things, and made that clear.

Geno and Dream got stuck on the field with Ink, Cross was put as an archer, and Nightmare and Error were the 'shoot things and don't die' people.

Then of course there was Reaper, who was the 'God who's on our side for some reason' person; Hacker and his 'adopted' (read: stolen) child, who was ACTUALLY just a different Error with healing abilites, and they were the 'healers who heal us'; Gary Stu Sans, Blueberry and Fresh, who were the 'annoy the hell out of the enemy' people; and Ice!Sans, the 'freeze them' person.

5\. Rehide the children.

Error got stuck with this job, because of course he did. Naturally, he hid them all in Nightmare's castle.

When all was said and done, Radier and Palette were over in the corner playing, Gradient was moping in the corner being a depressed perfectionist, Paperjam was walking aound being an asshat as always, Lux was being a bored flame person, Blueprint was attempting to do a flip, Moku and Nix were in the corner avoiding everyone, Goth was sitting by Radier and Palette looking mopey because Palette wasn't playing with him, 3rr0r was being a bored mopey guy in the corner because nobody wanted to go near him, that Cray kid that came from nowhere and was trying to do a backroll under Lux while Lux was trying to do a backflip, and Error himself was sitting in the corner drinking alcohol and attempting to relax.

Yeah, not working.


	2. Chapter 2

How to Wage a War: A How-Not-To Guide

1\. Fighting

Ink, Dream and Geno faced off with an army of humans, regretting their life choices.

Ink, Dream and Geno had a magic paintbrush, a staff, and several thousand gaster blasters (that's how many Geno could make before he would pass out from magic exhaustion) between all of them.

The humans had swords, guns, and several bombs.

Advantage: Humans.

Meanwhile, Error and Nightmare looked out from the castle windows, sniper rifles ready.

Error looked at Nightmare. "How much you wanna bet the rainbow asshole doesn't make it through the day?"

Nightmare sighed. "I won't take that bet. The odds are too high in your favor, since I know you're gonna be the one betting he dies."

In another part of the castle, the children looked out from a window, shocked by the sheer number of humans.

Lux jumped on a table. "TAKING BETS FOR HOW LONG INK, DREAM AND GENO ARE GONNA LAST!"

Cray bet 20 G that they wouldn't last the day, whereas Goth and Palette bet 40 G that Geno - and only Geno - would make it through ok (mostly wishful thinking on their parts). 3rr0r bet 23 G that Ink would die within the first hour, and Gradient bet 60 that only Dream would make it through.

2\. Defending

Gary Stu, Fresh and Blueberry played cards while waiting for Ink, Dream and Geno to either die or call them in.

Blueberry looked at his deck. "Fresh. Got any threes?"

"Go fish."

Blueberry nodded and grabbed the fishing rod, hooking a card with the sharp hook. He looked at it. "Dangit."

Fresh grinned and turned to Gary Stu. "Ey, Gary, got any twos?"

"Go fish."

3\. Winning

Needless to say, none of the field guys except for Geno made it through alive.

The humans came this close to winning, and then got annihalited by the powers of Annoying.

Palette and Goth won 40 G, and spent it all on candy and sugar.

Gary Stu won the game of Go Fish.


	3. Chapter 3

How To Revive a Dead Person: A How-Not-To Guide

1\. Get supplies.

Error sighed. He was stuck with the hard job, AGAIN, and Ink wasn't even alive! What was with his life?

He looked at the list.

"Eggs, butter, bread, marinara sauce, candy, paint, necromancer..."

2\. Arrange supplies.

Goth and Hacker were most suited to this job. They arranged the items like necessary and were the only ones who were competent, thus there is no need to focus on them.

Off in the distance, Error attempts to get a dog to stop jumping on him as he holds Ink's dust and single remaining bone out of reach. "GET OFF OF ME!"

Not everyone can be competent.

3\. Position necromancers.

Everyone stared at the five necromancers they'd gotten.

One random dude in a hat, Mafiatale Sans, a very grumpy Yang, an even grumpier Yin, and a dude in a coat.

Error glanced at Geno. "You were in charge of the necromancers."

"They said they were necromancers."

"They don't look like necromancers."

"You have no idea what a necromancer looks like."

4\. Put the dust and bones in the circle of summoning.

Error put Ink's dust and bone inside, while Nightmare gave Radier who gave Goth Dream's dust and bone.

Goth, being Goth, did it correctly.

5\. Summon.

Let's be honest.

It failed.

It turned out that Random Dude 1#, Yang, and Yin were not actually necromancers, and so Fresh, Blueberry and Gary Stu had to step up for them.

And then...

The most brilliant flash of light appeared. The light would have made Jesus jealous, and blinded everyone in the vicinity. It was the purest of white, whiter than a dove, whiter than snow, whiter than bone. In the middle was more pure, white light, and two shadows emerged from it.

Ink and Dream stepped out, looking extremely confused.

Fresh turned back to the crowd. "I TOLD ya we knew how to do it."


	4. Chapter 4

How To Save People: A How-Not-To Guide

1\. Learn how to fly.

Ink carefully read the Guide. "It says learning how to fly is easy. All you have to do is fall and miss the ground."

Error scratched his skull. "How is that possible when we factor in gravity, and trees, and the fact that you're a clumsy moron?"

Ink shrugged, and then realized he was being insulted. "Hey!"

2\. Practice flying.

Ink threw himself on the ground. He picked himself up.

Then he did it again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Eventually he admitted that maybe the Guide wasn't so good at teaching people to fly. But he threw himself on the ground, and then he got distracted by Geno and Goth walking by.

Before he realized it, he was floating off the ground, unaware of the world around him.

He looked down. Then up. Then he yelled, and floated upwards.

"HEY, ERROR! I'M FLYING! SUCK IT!"

On the ground, Error facepalmed.

3\. Come up with a good name.

Ink blinked. "The Dynamic Duo?"

"Taken."

"Inkeroo and Flying Hacker."

"Stupid."

"I have no idea. You say something."

Error pondered for a second, before sighing and revealing what he had in mind.

"Glitch and Squid."

Ink gaped at him. "IT'S PERFECT."

4\. Do nothing.

There was nothing to do.

Ink eventually just slapped Error with his paintbrush and left.

Error watched him leave, and left a few seconds later.

5\. Repeat.

Fresh and Blueberry stumbled upon the Guide, which Ink had thrown after Flying Attempt Number 11111.

Fresh picked it up. "Hey, this looks rad." Blueberry took it from him and pressed some buttons.

The screen came to life with a "bink" noise.


	5. Chapter 5

How to Make Cookies: A How-Not-To Guide

1\. Gather ingredients.

Error sighed. This job again. He read the list aloud.

"Milk, butter, sugar, sugar, sugar, more sugar, yeast, flour, sugar...Jebus, Ink, what kind of cookies are you MAKING?!" He shook his head and continued walking.

2\. Mix flour, yeast, and sugar in a bowl.

NiXss stared at the mess of dust in the bowl. "Maybe we should wash the bowl."

Ink shrugged. "I honestly don't care. Besides, dust is kinda like flour, right?" He then proceeded to dump the 13 bags of sugar in the bowl, along with the bag of flour and one tiny packet of yeast. "See? It's fine."

"Uh..."  
3\. Put butter in mixture and mix with electric mixer.

NiXss took the stick of butter from Ink. "After what you did to the flour and sugar, I think you've lost your mixing priviledges."

"What?! I'm older than you give!" Ink snatched the butter back.

NiXss sighed and grabbed it from Ink. "And I'm way better at cooking than you. Give it." He stuck the butter into the bowl and turned the mixer on. "Deal with it."

Flour sprayed everywhere. NiXss and Ink were covered in it. Ink turned to NiXss. "I told you I should have done that."

4\. Pour milk.

If possible, this made a bigger mess of the kitchen, because NiXss forgot to turn off the mixer, so milk went everywhere.

Ink sighed and turned off the mixture. "What next?"

NiXss attempted to decipher the page. "Uhh...put it in the oven? I, um, can't read it very well."

"Let me have it."  
"No! I wanna read it!"  
5\. Put it in the oven.

Ink put it in the oven, with NiXss watching carefully to make sure he didn't screw up.

They set the oven to 600 degrees Farenheight, and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And then the oven blew up.

...

NiXss looked at Ink. "I told you we shouldn't have bought so much sugar."

"No, I told YOU we didn't need yeast."

"No, I told YOU..."

This went on for quite a while.


End file.
